Friday the 13th part VII: the New Blood (1988)

Overall rating: 5.5/10

Let me be clear, Friday the 13^th, part VII: The New Blood is not a good movie. That said I think we’ve reached a point where standard slashers with tons of anonymous teenage victims, even with a lame gimmicky psychic whinny final girl, is still better than average.

The bad things about this film are the usual complaints about Friday the 13^th movies, no character development and the fact that plot really only exists in the loosest sense of the word. On the other hand I’ve watched so many of these movies that any film I don’t fast forward through large non-murder related portions of (I’m looking at you Nightmare on Elm Street 6)might as well be Citizen Kane. It’s not just that there are loads more deaths in this film, 16 people die, but there is also a nice variety in the methods used to dispatch “characters” that I am forced to differentiate by hair color because they are so interchangeable. Sure, Jason Voorhees is quite fond of his machete but he’s a modern adaptable reanimated serial killing indestructible zombie guy. He’s not afraid to mix it up, pick up a weed whacker, crush a head with his hands, or tie someone up in a sleeping bag and smash them against a tree.

At the same time this film seemed slightly less extreme than others of the series. There was not a lot of blood in this installment. While there is never much in the way of gore in this series, part seven seemed to have even less blood than usual. And while just about all the teenagers had sex with each other we only saw one set of boobs. In terms of non-whites there were two black teens in this film, which puts it ahead of most of its brethren.

The best part of the movie was when we realized that the shady psychiatrist who popped the color on his tweed jacket was Bernie from Weekend at Bernies. That realization added a little something extra to an otherwise mediocre addition to the franchise.

Continue reading for a list of victims and the final girl.

Halloween 6: the Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Overall rating 3/10

Halloween 6: the Curse of Michael Myers gets a full extra point for starring a young Paul Rudd. Young Paul Rudd is super hot and I want to lick his face. Plus, knowing his movies now, you kind of get the feeling that the whole thing is supposed to be a joke. A horrible joke, to be sure, but a joke nonetheless. His character is supposed to be a grown up version of Tommy Doyle the little kid Jamie Lee Curtis babysits in the first film. I’m pretty sure that would make Paul Rudd 30 in this film which is actually almost right, he was 26, but I’m so used to them casting twenty-somethings as teenagers that it seems weird.

The film picks up 10 years or so after the last one. Jamie, now a teenager, gives birth to a son while a prisoner of a cult that worships Michael Myers. They are possibly Satanic and all have the tattoos Michael and the man in black had in the previous installment. Don’t worry if this doesn’t make any sense to you, as far as I can tell Michael Myers murdered logic somewhere in Halloween 4 and the series has been running on Donald Pleasence’s presumably high mortgage payment and the idea that the franchise needed to become needlessly complicated. Neither of these factors are the basis of a good slasher film.

This movie makes no logical sense, is boring and is scored by really bad, loud, overblown synth music. There’s some stuff about a baby in here but at this point who really cares? There is a lot of blood splatter but no real gore. The is one non-white person in this movie, an Asian nurse who has, like, one line. There is a fair amount of death, 14 people die, but that seems kind of low for what we’ve seen lately. There is the nice addition of a “you’re all doomed” lady who we met at a mental institution (at least I think it was a mental institution – by this point I had kind of stopped paying attention). Anyway, she says, “how does it feel to be damned?” And I thought, “I bet it feels a lot like having to watch Halloween 6: the Curse of Michael Myers.”

Continue reading for list of victims and final girl.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

Overall rating: 2/10

General consensus among the people participating in this project is that Nightmare on Elm Street 5, is probably the worst film we’ve watched so far. I might dislike it so much because it’s about babies and there is way too much womb in it, but I think I actually dislike it because it is stupid and boring. I mean yes, the baby thing is horrible and off-putting and seems to have a weirdly pro-life message (unborn babies have souls as soon as they are conceived!), but more than that it’s incredibly lame. Seriously, Freddie is defeated by an unborn baby and a ghost nun? I think at that point I was simply in favor of anything that would put an end to this crapfest of a film.

It’s a shame because there are some cool set pieces in the movie. The opening dream is creepy – the final girl (same as in the last film) gets trapped in Freddie’s boiler room naked. Naked in an uncomfortable place is such a classic scary dream – plus we got to see boobs – that it seemed like a strong opening. Alas, it was all downhill from there. The other cool set piece is at the very end when they give the boiler room the M.C. Esher stairway treatment but like the rest of the special effects in the film it was wasted and unable to salvage the train wreck of a plot.

The biggest problem I had with this film, aside from the fact that there were only three deaths giving it our lowest body count yet, was that they seemed to have completely abandoned scary in favor of gross and zany. The death scenes are long, “ironic”, full of special effects, and too rare. Alice, the final girl, even has a black female friend who also lives though she is attacked and menaced. They’ve taken the idea from part three, if you like something, be it puppets or heroin, Freddie will kill you with it, and made it lame and zany. I just really hate zany. And babies. I think there is a zany Freddie baby in here a few times.

Anyway, the overall on this film is that there is a very low body count (three), lots of gross gore but barely any blood, and one major female black character who lives (there is also a black nun who shows up briefly in one scene).

If you don’t watch one movie from this series, don’t watch Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child.

Continue reading for a list of victims and final girl.

Friday the 13th part 5: A New Beginning (1985)

Overall rating: 6/10

I think that Friday the 13^th part V: A New Beginning gets a bad rap. People dislike it because the end reveals that Jason isn’t the killer but I think that actually makes it more interesting. I wish they had stuck to the new beginning that they claimed in the title and restarted the franchise with Tommy as the new killer. Alas, they revive Jason in part six and part five, like part one, is merely a novelty in the larger scheme of Friday the 13^th films.

This movie picks up ten years or so after the previous installment. It would be interesting to try and figure out what year these movies are supposed to take place because while years are supposed to pass in the film universe they pretty much made one a year in real life and the hilarious clothes pretty clearly identifies the mid-1980s. We met now teenage Tommy Jarvis, Corey Feldmen’s characters from the last movie, who is sent to a teenager mental institution rehab halfway house farm (yeah, that part wasn’t very clear). The good news is that fake Corey Feldman grew up to be way more attractive than real Corey Feldman. Plus, he busts out with some hilarious surprise karate moves. There are also some really funny surprise boobs. It was like they realized they didn’t have enough nudity and so had a waitress flash herself in the bathroom mirror. Awesome.

There is a pretty insane number of deaths in this film (22) which I think makes it our highest death count yet. There are also four black characters; a sassy pre-teen, his grandfather, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend. The kid even survives. The older brother has a brilliant death scene that takes place in an outhouse. It is one of the most stupidest and funniest things I’ve seen since this project started.

This movie is a mess, but it’s a kind of enjoyable mess. There is this ridiculous hick mother and son, a new wave girl who does an amazing solo dance number, and tons of random victims. We’ve left Crystal Lake and while most of the victims here are still teenagers we get more variety than just the standard parcel of camp councilors. I think there is the usual amount of blood for a Friday the 13^th movie but some more inventive death methods than we’ve seen previously from this series.

Continue reading for list of victims and final girl.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Overall rating 4.5/10

I have a confession to make: I am way, way behind in my write-ups for this blog. I have watched a bunch of the movies but whenever I sit down at my computer I end up doing actual work, or looking at pictures of kittens in costumes.

Anyway, I watched Halloween 5 a few weeks ago and it was one that I remember watching a few times in my pre-teen years. For the record, I don’t think it really holds up. The “plot” of the film picks up a year after the previous installment. Jamie (Laurie’s daughter and Michael’s niece) is now mute and traumatized in an kiddie mental institution. Her cousin, the last final girl, dies pretty quickly and Jamie is the sole final girl here – the first time we’ve seen a solo child final girl. She has an okay final girl scene. It has some tense moments; especially when she’s trying to escape in a laundry chute, but she doesn’t really try to fight back like the best final girls. It has also become clear that the teenagers who live in Haddonfield, Illinois make all other teenagers seem like geniuses.

Dr. Loomis is back being the world’s worst psychologist but one of the funniest “you’re all doomed” guys. I cannot express enough how horrible Loomis is at his chosen profession.  The funniest scenes in the film are when he is tormenting this poor traumatized mute 10 year old girl. By the end of the movie Loomis has convinced the police to use her as bait for Michael. I don’t think the cops would be willing to use a child as bait for an unkillable serial murderer, but what do I know. If I were really that smart I wouldn’t be watching all these horrible films.  In the end Loomis “kills” Michael and then has a heart attack and dies on top of him. Comedy gold, made funnier by the fact that they both come back for Halloween 6.

There is a fair amount of blood but no real gore in this film. It’s all blood splatter but no brains or guts. Which is kind of a good analogy for the film. There is no new ground here, except this weird sub-plot about a man in black who has the same mysterious tattoo as Michael and in the final scene blows up a police station and kidnaps Jamie. This seems less like a new and interesting addition to the Michael Myers mythos and more like a half-baked attempt to needlessly complicate what can be a simple and effective plot line.

Regardless, a bunch of people die (the Halloween films seem to kill more authority figures than any other franchise – there’s a lot of cop death here and in the last film). There is only one non-white in the whole film, an Asian nurse (Yay! Our first Asian character!), who has lines and everything.

Continue reading for a list of victims and the final girl.